Due dates, Book Recommendations, and the Micro and Macro World of Healthcare

Well, the big day (due date) has come and gone without any big news, as you may have figured out. Yesterday I went in for a doctor's appointment, and the nurse got excited and told me I was contracting regularly and probably about to have a baby, so I got excited, too, for about 20 minutes...until I remembered that I've been feeling those little annoying tightenings for probably 3 weeks now - CLEARLY, not a sign of labor in my case. Darn!

However, while the wait seems pretty long, at least the weather has been fairly cooperative...nothing like sunshine and a good book to lift the spirits. Granted, for those of you beneath the Mason-Dixon, 60's is probably a paltry example of a lovely spring day, but after such a cold winter, I LOVE it. As for the good book part...may I recommend James W. Huston to anyone interested in government conspiracy/military adventure type books? He seems to start with some little known line from the constitution and develop a "what if we interpreted this clause like THIS?" kind of scenario. Pretty interesting and not as convoluted as say, a Tom Clancy storyline.

Should I run out of house/errand/reading things to do, I find I can always count on the insurance company to occupy an afternoon. As I've mentioned in previous posts, there are two institutions in life that I'm fairly sure God designed just to test me, to see if I have mastered patience and self-control. These are the government(specifically the Downers Grove parking-ticket issuing body) and insurance.

In one of the great mysteries of life, my insurance company (United Health Care, let the record show!) has decided that the two major hospitals nearby are out of network, but the two country hospitals that don't even have labor and delivery wards that are located 40 minutes out in the country...those they like. Since you CAN'T deliver there, I obviously won't, but the process of communication with UHC about this has unfailingly been an unending set of phone transfers between the exceptions department - who says I don't need an exception to go to a nearby hospital, so they won't issue one, and the benefits department - who is all geared up to charge me out-of-network rates unless I have an exception. TOO WIERD, right?? I finally, FINALLY got my exception (VICTORY!!) and then found out that they had set it for one day - my due date - and since that passed, they closed it out. It is moments like these that confirm to me we are not an evolving species and that motivate me to demand better funding for education to promote a basic level of reasoning skills.

In other news, I spent the wee hours the morning this morning perusing the internet for information about this health care bill. I prefer to get my information from briefs published by advocacy groups rather than from mainstream media- you know where the advocacy group is coming from, and they do a better job of elucidating on the areas they care about, pros and cons. Surprisingly, NO issue briefs appeared in the morning's search results, leaving me to read just basic overviews provided by news stations. The most specific, succint summary I found is here, and the most detailed summary of the tax provisions that I found is located here. If you find better resources, please attach them to this post so others can read them!

I would love to read critiques of the bill that are more specific than "death squads" "rationing" "expensive" and really explain what parts various groups think are faulty, but I didn't find anything by anyone who seemed to actually know what they were talking about. I'm hopeful that useable materials will appear in coming days. I'm not yet willing to go digging through all 2,000 pages myself.

From what I can tell thus far, the death squads/rationing concern stems from a provision that provides monetary incentive to doctors to provide end of life couseling to seniors on Medicare and anyone with a terminal illness. Also, there is concern that swelling the ranks of the insured without creating incentives for people to become doctors will limit general access to medical care. And, no one can sue the government, apparently, leading to concerns that the government has final say about health care decisions. Anyone know of more specifics on this critique?

Also, the bill apparently mandates that states spend money on setting up health-care exchanges, and after 2016, states will bear at least some of the costs for the increased Medicaid population (because the bill expands eligibility to cover more people). I'm confused on this one; I thought any mandate had to be accompanied by funding? Anyway, some governors are opposing the bill on the grounds that their state can't afford the financial burden it places on them.

Expensive, as far as I can tell, is all a matter of perspective. The federal government states it is saving money, the states are up in arms about having to spend money, and undeniably the wealthier among us will foot the bill for the coming changes to the system. The question doesn't really seem to be IF the bill is expensive, it's just which group you want to see pay for all this...

More in coming days as I find it, assuming I'm not busy utilizing my healthcare in the labor and delivery ward. Again, feel free to attach information to this post. Opinions are fine, but actual information is preferred. Thanks!

Identity Revisited

So, a few posts ago I wrote about identity and the fact that major parts of my life are about to shift with the arrival of the baby. Recently, I returned to Old Testament reading about the various individuals of wickedness or faith recorded there. I found that short verses began to really jump out at me, namely those that were a summary description of the person's character or life actions as viewed by God. A few examples:

Of Caleb, Numbers 14. "...because he has a different spirit and follows me fully"

Of King Jehosaphat of Judah, 2 Chronicles 17. "His heart was courageous in the ways of the Lord."

Of King Abijam, 1 Kings 15, "And he walked in all the sins that his father did before him, and his heart was not wholly true to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father."

Of King Asa, 1 King 15, "And Asa did what was right in the eyes of the Lord..."

Of King Ahab of Israel, 1 Kings 16 "Ahab did more to provoke the LORD, the God of Israel, to anger than all the kings of Israel who were before him."

And of course, Hebrews chapter 11 describes a long list of people of great faith and is well-worth reading over. There are many, many more descriptions of both good and bad individuals throughout Scripture, but even just these have been enough to make me wonder...how would God describe me? On our own, we are all assured of a judgement of "wicked" or "evil" or "unholy," before God...no amount of good deeds can restore us to perfection and holiness. To be judged as such is to spend an eternity apart from God; He is Holy, Wonderful, Perfect...evil and wickedness will not dwell with Him in heaven, but apart from Him in hell.

But, for those who believe in Christ, we have the assurance that He sees us as righteousness because Christ has covered over all our wickedness and clothed us before God in his own perfect righteousness. While this is a beautiful, blessed assurance of access to eternity with Him in heaven, our all-knowing God is sure to be aware of my character as it stands in the moment...and thankfully, He supplies His spirit to empower us to grow and mature from whatever point we find ourselves. But it all makes me wonder...does He see me as timid? bold? persevering, hopeful, or easily turned aside? Food for thought, as I consider my ways in light of Scripture -there are words to describe me, but are the ones I want to continue to fulfill before God?

To Be a Warrior

This morning I woke up AFTER dawn (not guaranteed these days) to a breakfast of hot tea and banana bran muffins...altogether, a delightful start to the day. I have recently been reading from Judges in the Old Testament; I really like Old Testament stories. Being a rather avid novel reader, I often wish the Bible came with appendices... "The Expanded Version of Othniel," for example.

Consider: The Israelites have been set free from generations of brutal slavery under the Egyptians. Despite the miracles they witnessed as God intervened on their behalf against the Egyptians (10 plagues), the Israelites almost immediately (and then repeatedly thereafter) failed to trust and worship the Lord, angering Him and resulting in 40 years of wandering in the desert. After 40 years of wandering in the desert, the Israelites come to the land God has set out for them, and they send 12 spies to survey the situation. 10 report a hopeless situation in which the Israelites have no chance of prevailing against the current inhabitants, and 2 view the situation with an eye towards God's mighty power and are more optimistic. These two are Caleb and Joshua. Joshua becomes the number two man after Moses (and later, leads the people into the promised land). Of Caleb, God declares in Numbers 14, "But my servant Caleb, because he has a different spirit and has followed me fully, I will bring into the land into which he went, and his descendants shall possess it." (The full account is in Exodus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, and Joshua).

In Joshua 14, Caleb is allotted the land of the Anakites, who are fierce warriors with fortified cities. At age 85, he proclaims himself still strong and war-ready, and he proceeds to drive out most of the Anakim from the land with God's strength. Last, he comes to the city of Kiriath-sepher, at which points he declares that whoever goes out and captures the city shall have Caleb's daughter as a wife.

"And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, captured it. And [Caleb] gave him Achsah his daughter for a wife." (Joshua 15 and Judges 1) It's such a small verse for such a cool story, made even better by the fact that the name Othniel apparently means "Lion of God" in Hebrew. One presumes that when someone offers his daughter like this, he is pretty sure there are men out there who want her enough to risk taking on a fortified city in battle. I suspect Caleb knew exactly who was going to go after the city. Anyway, scattered verses indicate this family experienced intrigue (spying), war, romance...

So, this was my morning. I was reminded of how the faithful in the Old Testament are so focused on God's power that they are able to overcome (or even, at times, completely avoid?) the disappointment or fear that naturally accompanies the VERY significant challenges life presents to them - like warriors in fortified cities, lions' dens, and death threats. Their stories become some of the most incredible adventures one could imagine, very unlike this image of "boring spirituality" that seems to abound today. One can't help but be inspired.

The Way We Eat When Busy

So, after five years of being in school and married (aka, living without a meal plan), I have developed a list of quick and fast meals. Initially, we ate stir fry EVERY DAY for lunch since I could make it, eat it, and clean up from it in the 40 minutes or so we had before returning to class (assuming the rice was ready). Since then, the list has expanded a bit to include other good, albeit not gourmet, quick meals. I've been revieweing the master list as I start thinking about freezing food to have on hand after the baby comes, so I thought I would share a few of our most used meal recipes. Everyone is busy at some time or another, right? Fair warning: these are still one step up from "I have NO time," (which around here produces cereal, bread and fruit, or a frozen pizza). The following do require a little bit of prep work or a stop at the store on the way home, but then they allow for very quick lunch or dinner prep & cooking time. I generally start with one cooking day where I boil chicken and boil rice (up to 1 hr cooking time) while cooking a pot roast (3hr total), which then provides an inventory for future meals.

Start with: NOTHING PREMADE and a not-so-well stocked pantry. Let's face it...empty fridges exist and cooking prep days sometimes don't. Quick and not-so-fast-food options resulting from a five minute run through the grocery store are:

Rotisserie chicken and a bag of salad or bread for sandwiches. This usually leaves leftovers...yum.
Pita bread or french bread, tomato sauce, a bag of shredded cheese, oregano, and a 425 degree oven for 15 minutes or so...pita pizzas.
Spaghetti, the old standby.
Vegetable alfredo pasta. 1 box of any kind of pasta, a few boiled vegetables, and a can of alfredo sauce. Frozen garlic bread cooked in the toaster oven (5 min) adds alot. Again, make alot and have leftovers.
Bacon, eggs, toast, pancakes, omelettes, waffles...any combination of breakfast food.
BLT or grilled cheese sandwiches.
Quesadillas (tortillas, mont.jack cheese, tomato/onion/zucchini/whatever), on baking sheet, top rack of oven on 400, approx 5 minutes.
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Start with: FROZEN SHREDDED CHICKEN. Boil/simmer chicken breasts and thighs, if you like dark meat, with skin in a pot with lots of salt and a bay leaf or two. Generally, the water level should just cover the chicken if you are trying to gague the right amount for flavorful broth later). Once chicken is cooked through - 30-45 minutes- discard skin, debone, and chop or shred into little pieces. Freeze in portions of approx. one breast or two thighs...otherwise you have to make ALOT of food when you pull it out. Save the broth in a separate container. (Defrost both as needed by moving servings to the fridge the night before use or using the "quick defrost" microwave setting). If not adding the chicken to a recipe with some sort of sauce or juice, I usually brown it (3 minutes, tiny bit of oil in skillet) for better flavor. You could start with a plain rotisserie chicken from the grocery store and chop and freeze it...

Makes:
Chicken noodle soup or stew or broth for some other soup of choice. Defrost broth, boil noodles and carrots and whatever else you want, throw in some shredded chicken.

Mexican chip dip. Defrost 1 serving chk. In a pot mix with 1 can cream of chk soup, 2 cans of drained beans (great northern are good), 1 can rotels tomatoes, 1 small can of corn/1c frozen corn. Rice will stretch it a bit farther. Stir all until hot (10 minutes) and serve with tortilla chips. Svs 2-3

Tacos or Cuban hash. Defrost chicken and throw in skillet with chopped onions. Season with lime juice and stir until browned. Serve with a side of black beans or corn. Eat in warmed tortillas with any toppings you like or with rice. Stir rice right into pan with chk and onions for best flavor...and then I add the corn to the pan, too.

Chicken salad. Mix with mayo of choice and whatever you have on hand - grapes, nuts, etc. Basil is a good addition. Eat with crackers or on bread.

Chicken on salad. Defrost and brown in skillet...eat over salad.

Barbecued chicken sandwiches. Defrost, mix with BBQ sauce on stovetop (fastest) or mix and set in hot oven for 20-30 minutes (tastes better). Serve with rolls/bread.

White chicken chili (cheater version). 1 serving chicken, 2 cans beans (1 drained, 1with juice), 1 can stewed tomatoes (or fresh chopped tomatoes) or 1 can/cup corn, 1 package McCormick White Chicken Chili, 1 c water. Mix all in pot, simmer 10 minutes.

Chicken Pita Sandwiches. Stuff pita with chicken, spinach/lettuce, tomato, avocado, green pepper, black beans (cooked, obviously). Sprinkle with lime juice before eating.

Chicken alfredo pasta. Defrost chicken and brown. Boil vegetable(s) (zucchini, broccoli, cauliflower, asparagus...etc), boil pasta. Mix all with alfredo sauce of choice.

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Start with: SLOW ROASTED BEEF. 325 degree oven, combine chuck or rump roast of any size with 2c water and 1-2c broth (beef or vegetable) and 1-2 onions, chopped. Once cooked, I usually serve pot roast for dinner and shred the remaining beef to put in the freezer. Pour liquid over the beef before freezing so you have some broth to work with once defrosted. Again, store in small portions. If you defrost the beef and it looks dry, use canned beef broth or a tomato and water broth to moisten it.

Makes:

Pot roast. Cook three hours with vegetables. Combine broth with a few scoops of cream of mushroom soup on stovetop over low heat; scoop out 1/2c or more of mixture and mix with flour, then slowly stir back into pot to thicken gravy. Repeat with flour until gravy is desired thickness.

Beef stew. Chop beef and vegetables and mix into broth (with or without mushroom soup). Add barley or rice to stretch it. If not just using leftover pot roast, I like to add rutabaga alongside the potatoes and carrots while roasting the beef. Freezes well.

Shredded beef sandwiches. Defrost meat. Brown beef in skillet (can add worsteshire sauce or some dry wine for flavor). Make up a bit of gravy or juice for dipping and eat on rolls or bread or over egg noodles.

Tacos. See above...throw some cumin in with it while browning

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Of course, you can make casseroles, soups, and other meals (borracho beans!)as well to just heat and eat...I just find that on average, these two starter meals- chicken and beef- go the farthest and offer the greatest diversity through the week, so that on Thursday I'm not thinking "I DON'T want this soup ever again. Ever." Having meat ready to go after just a few minutes in the microwave makes it more likely we'll eat one of these variations of a "Real Meal" rather than eating cereal or apples and peanut butter...which does happen often enough anyway. Feel free to post your recipes as well...it's nice to change it up sometimes.

Oh the Lovely Randomness

Lately I have enjoyed some wonderful diversity to my daily activities, spending time doing such things as picking out a fabric for living room curtains (gold on gold striped), looking at baby names, and enjoying the blue-sky days that come along. In the process, I seem to have drained off the remnants of stress from grad school, as I woke this morning to realize that it has been weeks since I've had one of those dreams where I forgot something horribly important and then panicked for the rest of the dream or the one where my car brakes won't work (and I drive an old Toyota...amazing that one hasn't resurfaced, right?). Lovely.

While most of my new activities aren't terribly challenging mental endeavors, they have still been interesting in their own way. For example, I have discovered that people who write baby name books are, categorically, neurotic. Who feels compelled to include names from every country in the world? I mean, Sufi, Safyra, Sidditch, Thor? However, the Social Security Administration provides a list of the top 1000 names from recent years (and 100 years ago, for people wanting old-fashioned names...). 1000 is big enough to include all the commonly used, less commonly used, wierd spelling variants, and downright odd (but not celebrity strange) names you could ever want to consider. It's a great resource and time-saver. How often can you say THAT about a government-run website or organization?

Also, while searching for acceptable kitchen colors, I stumbled across www.hgtv.com which archives the current season of most HGTV shows. Excellent. After trying a sage green, minty green (accidental), white with blue tint (too light), baby blue (oops, darkened it too much...), carribean blue (...and then added too much green), we finally settled on a lovely blue-gray stormy sea color for the kitchen. And, I am happy to report, our marriage survived. I also intend to use their DIY section to attempt to upholster a headboard for our bed...I'll let you know how that goes.

Other websites recently discovered or often enjoyed:

Martha Stewart Recipes
Recipes from Top Chef

House Beautiful Kitchen paint colors, Generally beautiful designs
This Old House Fabric ideas, paint colors, DIY tips
Pottery Barn Such interesting fabrics and useful as a reference for all the different styles of curtains out there...although I probably couldn't make most of them.

Hulu Full episodes of all varieties for the cable-less
Project Runway episodes!

Family Life Today broadcasts
World Vision
Voice of the Martyrs

National Vital Statistics System - database of info and trends relating to births, deaths, marriage, divorce, etc.
Kids Count A website where you can search for information about youth in your state or county...graduation rates, abuse rates, percent in unemployed families, etc. VERY interesting. Run a profile on your county, if nothing else, just to get a sense of what the issues might be there.

Next to do? I think I may struggle along a bit farther on this quilt I've been working on for more than five years (...sigh...) and pull out the Spanish books. I'm getting rusty and it might be time to run a few electrical sparks through the old language neurons and make sure they still work.

Meaningless?

Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless.

At least, so states the author of Ecclesiastes, one of the most interesting and mysterious books of the Bible. And I confess, I can see from where he's coming when he writes that. We all have days, or when truly unfortunate, weeks or even years where the easiest truth to recognize deep in our bones is the meaninglessness that can pervade anything and everything in daily life.

So why, if this is the central refrain of the book, do I find myself so drawn to Ecclesiastes as not only a mysterious and true book, but one that is strangely comforting? For a long time, the best answer I could come up with is that deep down, we are designed for truth, and we gravitate towards it - long for it- even when it comes less than all dressed up. I liked it because there was truth there, in the same way that I love Psalm 42. "Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have crashed over me." Although I don't know exactly what this passage means, the context and just the verse itself seem to portray same truth that I meditated on in the post "Tree in a Hurricane" a week or two ago...sometimes it is from God's own hand that the waves of life originate, and yet, at the same time that we experience the roar of the waterfalls, we have intimacy with God - something deep about him, something deep in us, connecting. I may not be clear on the exact meaning, but I love the truth there.

Ecclesiastes does much the same thing for me as Psalm 42. It may point out reality in all its nitty gritty, but it affirms the way God is SO MUCH GREATER than me in a really obvious way. We can toil and strive, but it is striving after the wind...unless we find our contentment and pleasure in God. We can make idols out of relationships (great sermon today on this- Ecc 4:4-16) in which we make comparison or envy our motivation for achievement...but it is absurdity, as it is seeking from others the intimacy and contentment that only God can provide. We can do whatever it is we determine to do, but without God, it is meaningless absurdity. Mark, in the New Testament, confirms the truth of this, writing, "What shall it profit a man to gain the whole world, but to forfeit his soul?" Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless...as none of it will save us, none of it will endure.

So then, do I write this to say that I am about to quit all work, abandon life activities, cast aside relationships as meaningless? Very clearly - no. This doesn't seem supported by the author of Ecclesiastes or any other book of the Bible. But, it does seem to suggest that next time I feel submerged in the meaningless, I should refocus on God who is the source of all that is meaningful and from whom derives eternal contentment and joy. Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless...until and unless we have Him who holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty.

Peter Pan Revisited

Thinking more about my musical Peter Pan moment last week (see last post), it occurs to me that this experience is a great metaphor for life - and identity - as it often operates. While we SHOULD mature and grow from our youth into greater wisdom and knowledge, sometimes we also let things stick and crust over our perspective so that we no longer see things as simply or joyfully as we did as children. Simply put, we move from Peter Pan to Robin Williams (who, like him or hate him...is obviously NOT as cool as a flying Pan). We may grow in wisdom, but often equally, in cynicism.

Jesus himself praised the qualities of childlikeness, recommending that everyone approach God the Father with the same openess as children bring. Carrying worldly burdens, the grief or frustration of the day, or simply by focusing so intently on "To Dos" that I never stop, I often miss the opportunity to savor the pure blissful experience that is knowing God - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit- and being known by him.

This thought is particularly challenging for me, as I just did a study last year based on Richard Foster's book The Celebration of Discipline, in which he clearly emphasizes the importance of simplicity as an intentional way of living. I first heard about the intentional practice of simplicity when I was in highschool, and I have found it completely fascinating ever since, although I have lived it out with varying degrees of success/unsuccess throughout the years.

To briefly recap, simplicity is not necessarily austerity and learning to live without unimportant extras (although we could all use more of this and it certainly enhances one's ability to practice simplicity). Rather, simplicity is a way of living with focus and clarity about what IS important, namely, Jesus Christ. As Carol A. Jenkins writes in her study entitled Practicing the Spiritual Disciplines,

"Simplicity recognizes we are eternal. We are not about the temporal but the eternal and our eyes are on the things above...Therefore, the practice of simplicity is about learning to live in the temporal with an eternal view and lifestyle." Specifically, it is about managing our lives to align with the truth that we are but stewards, not owners.

God gives, God takes away, and no man can accumulate possessions or skills or relationships that can insulate him from future trouble, should God give such trouble into his life. This can be a terrifying truth to those who have not found peace with the concept of God as sovereign, but it can provide even more abundant peace when viewed from the perspective that our responsibility over our lives (and possessions) is limited to what we can reasonably be expected to accomplish. We could term our responsibility as prudence, not prescience: God calls us to live prudently for the future, but I find no evidence that He expects me to plan for the future, as if I could know what such future may hold. That is his domain.

All this to say...I far more often consider the concept of simplicity and stewardship with regards to how I interact with material goods than I do in application to how I interact with experiences and relationships, and so while I may consciously return to a focused state of living on one level, I often let the grit and grime of life stick to my mind and heart and taint my perspective, rather than intentionally smoothing out and stripping away that which crowds out childlike joy.

The apostle Paul writes, "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him who strengths me. " (Philippians 4) What a beautiful way to live- content in all moments. This is certainly a worthy goal, although at times, a challenge.

THERE you are, Peter!

Lately I feel like I've been living that scene from Hook, when the small child uses the palms of his hands to stretch Robin Williams' face like a bad facelift - and catches a glimpse of the boy Peter Pan underneath all the wrinkled grownup exterior, at which point he exclaims, "THERE you are, Peter!"

As you know, if you have read my last post, I have been thinking alot about identity. In fact, such thoughts sneak up on me even when I'm not purposefully considering the topic. Yesterday, I sat down to practice the piano for choir practice, and I also went through the stacks of music I used to be able to play to choose a few pieces I would commit to practicing and reviving to their former glory. Choosing my favorite, I began trying to retrieve it from the dark corners of my memory...ignoring the rather unsteady rhythym and the odd loud notes that sprung from fingers out of practice, I just tried to reach for the notes. After an hour or so of peeking at the music each time I got stuck, I was able to hammer out a roughshod version of this lovely impressionistic piece. I am on my way!

For years, "musician" was a significant part of who I perceived myself to be. At age six, I used to play with a neighborhood girl whose mother was blind. Sometimes when I would go over to the house, I would find her mother sitting in the dark at an old upright piano, no music in sight. Occasionally she would stop and play back a section from a tape recorder, on which someone had recorded the song and verbalized the names of the chords or the order of the notes in a particularly sticky passage. And then she would resume playing. She could have been playing Old MacDonald for all I remember, but at the time, it made music seem like a mysterious and beautiful effort to see her playing unseen notes. As a result of those visits, I began a relentless campaign to beg my parents for lessons, in which they graciously accomodated me. 20 years later, I felt that same childish delight in music returning as I plunked out a hackneyed version of my favorites songs. It was its own Peter Pan moment, I suppose.

I Dreamed of Genie...Sort Of

Lately, due to the pregnant state, I find myself much more well acquainted with 5am than I ever have been previously. As my husband will testify, I don't have the night-owl endurance to see it from the evening side, and I have never really qualified as a morning person, let alone a 5am-er. But all that changes, because apparently, Baby Rogers IS a morning person and loves those dark morning hours. Expending only minimal energy throughout the day, this little one is a marathoner - flipping, kicking, and generally bouncing enthusiastically for an hour or more, usually around 5am. Sometimes I get warm up or encore performances at 2 and 7 as well. So, I have had plenty of time lately to lie in bed and think the thoughts that usually start with the realization that I'm not in Kansas anymore, Toto. I'm awake.

Apparently, all that awake time just isn't enough to process the random going-ons in my head, because I have noticed my dreams getting wierder and weirder, like I've been sampling the field of poppies on the way to Oz. Last night, for example, I dreamed about the baby. Specifically, I dreamed we had a girl...who I then promptly carried around by laying her across my shoulder like a sack of potatoes, just hanging onto a leg to keep her balanced. The baby basically came by stork, as there was just a signing to claim custody from the hospital, no painful labor (Um, yes please?). And, we didn't name her, because we didn't have any names narrowed down. So, take it all with a grain of salt. :) It seemed entertaining, but not exactly a sign from God.

So, here's your chance to weigh in on the Great Baby Debate- boy or girl? From what I can tell, girl is definately the minority opinion. I think only my mother and my father-in-law are feeling the girl vibe, and everyone else in the family has this baby pegged as a boy- my sister Heather and my nephew among the most adamant. David has pretty well staked out neutral, although I think he's hoping for a solid vibe of some sort before the baby arrives...

The New Me?

Here's the assignment. Take a blank 8 by 11 inch piece of paper: this sheet represents the whole of you. Now, visually represent (circles, dividing lines, squares...) the various roles you occupy and how much of "you" they constitute. For example, if you are daughter, is that 10%, 50%, 80% of your page? Student, wife, athlete, etc... Identify your roles and mark them in. (Overlapping is allowed if the roles are interlinked, like Christian and wife are for me). I did this assignment in undergrad for one of my psychology courses, and while I initially thought it was stupid, I ultimately thought it was interesting to see which roles take precedence/priority in the way I perceive myself. You might enjoy this.

Lately my thoughts have been returning to this assignment, because the roles making up my identity are in transition. Student is out, parent is in. And, I've been wondering what else is out or in...and to what extent. Currently, "social worker" occupies a tiny corner, almost like a footnote. (I qualify to be one, but I am not actively pursuing it at the moment). Musician is expanding, as we finally, FINALLY have a piano again. Artist has made a very brief appearance on the scene with all my attempts to paint children's art...and then I expect it to recede again. Chef extraordinaire (ok, exaggeration) has made a comeback as student has diminished and I have time to anticipate that dinner will come around again tomorrow and maybe I should defrost some meat rather than be surprised at 8 when food doesn't magically materialize. Minimal athlete is getting minimal-er; my somewhat regular but only moderately difficult workouts have devolved into lumbering walks to the end of the street and back. (I know, normal for pregnancy. The question is whether they will ever scale back up again...?)

Of course, parent is the role that brought all this mental meandering on, since it is likely to be a massive shock wave to the other roles; even though I'm excited for this new stage, I admit I'm interested in preserving some other identities that could easily be engulfed along the way unless guarded. Wife, I've noticed, can often be diminished as a result of general exhaustion, as can most roles tied to personal interests but not tied to a money-making endeavor or of direct benefit to other family members. I've started to pay attention to how women around me execute the parent role and how women throughout history have done so and evaluate such approaches for a possible fit... but this is a topic big enough for another post. Suffice it to say, the options are limitless. I find the Roosevelt women particularly fascinating. While they seemed to have adopted a slightly more hands off approach than I would probably go for, partly due to the presence of a nanny/governess, they cultivated a wide variety of outside interests - often community planning or volunteer related. (I recently read a book entitled, "The Roosevelt Women" that was a pretty interesting read).

Overall, it has been an interesting mental exercise to project different versions of my future self; if such thoughts have any influence on my actual choices when the time comes...we'll see. But,the process has been beneficial, regardless. While I have been evaluating the roles of my life, I find I have REALLY been establishing perspective on how I will measure success in my life. It is important to me that whatever I end up doing that David agrees with me that it is worthwhile, and such conversations give us the opportunity to craft a vision of various ways of being and their value, both from earthly and eternal perspectives.

Paul, in the New Testament, tells us that one day everything we have accomplished will be viewed with an eternal lens- and many of the things we valued as gems will be revealed as smoke and ashes with no lasting value. Thankfully, the measuring standard isn't a secret formula. I happen to like the succinct words of Micah 6:8. "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" While broad, it gives us a starting point. Proverbs, on the other hand, clearly identifies specific actions and paths that are wise...valuing family, taking time to both instruct/disciple and discipline children, compassion towards the poor, working to provide for the family's needs...and so on. The entire Bible articulates the values of God, along with suggestions about how one should incorporate them into everyday character and life. So, that's my thought for the day, and hopefully one you will stop to consider along with me. Who are we, and are those roles worth being? No time like the present for a little transitioning...